Lezard and the Chipmunk
by Theaphelia
Summary: A chipmunk sneaks into Lezard Valeth's tower and wreaks havoc. Oneshot. Please review if you decide to read.


Oh man. This fic has spawned a massive injoke that's managed to infect other characters and insert itself into my current gargantuan seriousfic project. It...makes things interesting, that's for sure.

Disclaimer stuff: Characters are not mine! Concept is based on a true story...email if interested. Beware of stupidity, and enjoy!

**Lezard and the Chipmunk **by Theaphelia

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Lezard sensed the presence of the little bastard even before he heard it scuttle across the floor.

_Not again, _he thought angrily. _The little bastards have nothing better to do than invade my home._

He stood up, leaving his homunculus on the table. He'd return to..._playing_ with it later, once the furry nuisance had been taken care of. His cat, whom he'd named Lorenta after his favorite dead teacher, sniffed the air and slunk towards where she had heard the animal running.

Lezard grumbled angrily. He used to just magick the chipmunks out of his tower, or kill them and feed them to Lori, but somehow the bastards had become amazingly good at avoiding his spells, and Lori, stuck-up ungrateful feline that she was, was sick of charred rodents for dinner.

Besides, catching them manually and tossing them outside was a challenge.

The chipmunk's beady little eyes stared at him from under his couch. Lezard stared back, undaunted by its menacingly cute gaze. He took a step forward and the chipmunk scrambled out from under the couch, closely pursued by Lori, followed by Lezard shaking his fists angrily and yelling at the cat.

"Stupid cat, you're chasing it away! Get out of my way!" He grabbed the cat by the scruff of the neck and carried her into his room, tossed her on the bed, and slammed the door. She cried pitifully at the door. Her master _always_ ruined her fun.

Lezard turned just in time to see the chipmunk's fuzzy tail disappear into his lab. As quiet as possible he snuck up to the doorway and peered inside. The brown bastard was sitting on top of his homunculus's boob, looking around and smelling the air. Lezard forgot about discretion and ran into the room, enraged.

"ONLY I CAN TOUCH THAT, YOU LITTLE—" He tripped over a stack of books, toppling to the floor and alarming the chipmunk, which took a flying leap through the air and landed on a shelf full of potions. The shelf fell and all of the bottles shattered on the stone floor.

Much to Lezard's chagrin, the chipmunk dashed out from under the shelf unscathed. Lezard stood, dusted off his clothes, and continued his pursuit. The chipmunk saw him and squeezed itself under his bedroom door. Lori began howling excitedly and he heard a few glass things break as the cat chased the creature around the room. He ran to the door. If the cat caught the chipmunk, great. If the chipmunk was smart enough to run back under the door, he'd catch it and his trouble would be over.

As expected, the animal dashed out from under the door. He leapt at it and was about to trap it under his cloak when—

"Lezard! What in the name of Odin are you doing?!"

Mystina! He had forgotten about their appointment tonight!

He turned around, startled at the sound of Mystina's voice, and felt the chipmunk's teeth dig into his finger. He pulled his hand away, screaming. The chipmunk darted away between Mysty's legs. She squealed and jumped.

"Get out of my way, Mysty!" he pushed her unceremoniously out of the way, ignoring her angry cry of "Little freak!", and chased after the chipmunk.

It ran into the bathroom. He chased it into the bathroom, slammed the door shut, and stared at the chipmunk, which hid behind the toilet.

"I have you trapped now, spawn of Loki," he gloated. "I suppose you thought you could get away with entering my home, and groping my hom—" he remembered Mystina was outside and cut himself off. "And breaking my things! Well, miserable creature of Nifleheim, your fun is over, and now you die!" He formed a fireball between his hands and was about to end the miserable rodent's life when Mysty called to him from the other side of the door.

"LEZARD!"

"What, Mysty?"

"Get your ass out here, you ungrateful freak! I got myself horny just for you!"

"Mysty, I have a little problem here!"

"Did you get high on mandrake weed again?! If you have problems tonight I _swear_—"

Ignoring her threats, he again went to fry the chipmunk. It had jumped into the tub and behind the shower curtain. He stepped into the tub, staring hatefully at the beast. It looked back up at him, its little body shivering with fear. A small twang of guilt wormed its way into his mind.

"You deserve to die for what you did. Don't give me that sad chipmunk stare."

The beady eyes bore into his. The chipmunk squirmed and tried to escape down the drainpipe. It paused again and looked up at the sorcerer, seeming to beg for mercy.

Lezard dissipated the fireball. He grabbed a towel and threw it on top of the chipmunk, trapping it in the fabric and carrying it out of the tub. He opened the door and found himself facing a very angry Mysty.

"Lezard, what in the name of the Gods was going on?"

"Chipmunk," he muttered. "They get in here all the time."

"I…see." Mysty replied, smiling. "And you're going to set it free. How unlike you."

"I'm feeling merciful tonight," Lezard said. "I'll be back in a minute."

"Feeling merciful? Does that mean our 'appointment' is off?" Mysty asked, grinning.

"Never." Lezard smiled to himself and went to free the squirming chipmunk.

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